Mushrooms part 1
Well happy new year, it's been a while hasn't it. I knew i wouldn’t write after i got wifi. I guess something has happened since the last time I wrote. But today I feel weirder than I usually do. It's not about wifi, school, or friends. It’s about mushrooms??
Well its a person lets say his name is shroom. As in mushrooms. I don't usually want to write about things like this. Oh yeah im in gaafaru, i went to my thutha today and she searched his ig on insta. And she found it. Instantly actually.
I dont trust a freaking laptop docs to keep something i cant even explain with my words. I started liking him like this in grade 7. I first saw him in grade 6. Not first but, as an actual memory. We were in the same class in preschool so I don't remember.
i ‘ve never talked to him and he doesn’t know I exist. I always said I didn't want to date him and I just liked him. But I don't know anymore. I know someone’s gonna read this but I don't really care. I made a promise to myself i’ll only start dating after I finish school. And I will keep that promise.
I want to be friends with him. At least I want him to know who I am. I can’t have this feeling in my stomach. I don't even understand it. I feel so weird. I don't know how i can tell anyone how i feel when dont even know how i freaking feeeeel. I have no chance being with him, so I at least want him to know I exist. How do I live like thissss?
Should I tell thutha abt it? I REALLY DON’T KNOW. I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight. I don’t know why I wanna cry. I have nobody to tell who will understand me. I want to tell zeeva. But i can’t, cause i can’t meet her.i want a phone. I want a bit of freedom.
WHAT SHOULD I DO? I don't know how to stop my feelings. I don't want these feelings. I hate myself. I will try to write again tomorrow. I think we share the same fav number. Maybe. In his ig there is “_11”. I don’t know. I think I'm just delusional. He probably wrote that, because he was born in 2011.
How do I even talk to him in the first place? I don’t know but at least I know his insta. I hope he doesn't get a different account. But even so. I don’t want to care. I don't want to like him. I thought it was just an excuse that i liked him cause i thought i didn’t like anyone. In two years if I don't like anyone. I will see if I would still like him.
I’m so weird for liking him when he doesn't even know freaking exist. How do you even start a conversation with a stranger you don’t even know? Someone help me. idk how some ppl talk to ppl they don’t know like it's simple. I know people think I'm funny for liking someone I barely know for that long. Nobody will know how I feel. You know the weirdest part, I don't even know if I actually like him. And i wont know unless i talk to him. But I don't want to talk to him either. I don't want him to know who I am yet either. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO FREAKING DO.
I won't try to talk to him until I'm in grade 10. But I can't wait either. My intrusive thoughts are telling me to freaking make a good insta account and talk to him. I'm too scared to even try searching for it. I don’t think I like mushrooms anymore. But the truth is I still do like mushrooms.
A while ago I did the mbti test thingy again, and I'm an infp. And it's all making sense now. I really am an infp. I used to not really believe it that much but I searched up infp. And everything I read described me more perfectly than I understood myself. Well I still don’t really understand myself that much. Probably because I'm only 14. Being a teenager is the best and worst feeling combined. Cause i literally started thinking about this while i was lying on top of a roof watching the stars. I love stars. But I can't have the stars either right?
I was also listening to music at the same time. I really want to do it again. It was another thing I really wanted to do on my mind bucket list. I should really write an actual bucket list. I want my own kdrama. Maybe this is how it starts but I don't think it will have a happy ending. Should I start google how to stop liking a person? I saw him in my dreams bro. I don’t think I can stop liking him in a while. Cause the last time i liked someone it lasted 3 years. But it was really young so i don’t want to count it.
I also know the perfect guy I want probably exists too. And shroom might not be the one. I think this really is a serious problem I have. I hate my shitty life so much. I really like his eyes. I think I need to do part two tomorrow because my charge is running out. I need a moment in my mind too. Even though that might not be a good idea. I want to keep writing too. You know a song that will always remind me of my thutha. Slow dancing in the dark by joji, because we were listening to it while watching the stars.
You know this is the longest thing I have written so far. I'm also surprised, because I will continue writing it tomorrow too. And with that it will of course be more than a 1000 words. WOW, more than a thousand words just to write about mushrooms. How do I stop myself? I want to have a sleepover with thutha, so I can try telling her I guess. Should I stop writing part one now? I really don’t know. I didn’t even realize that my paragraphs started becoming longer. Okay, I think I will go”try” to sleep…
(written on 9/1/2025 Friday, 10:49 pm)