Mushrooms Part 2
So I was going through pinterest and I saw so many things, but poems and quotes hits different. I really wish he knew who I was. I made up my mind to live the way I want to now. I might change my mind later.
I think i started liking him cause of his smile. I have a problem with that too. Probably cause i don’t really like my own smile. I wonder if i could ever stop being a hopeless romantic. Oh yeah i went to the beach with Thutha yesterday. It was really fun. We talked about how we should go on a double date to the beach with our future bfs, but i don’t think i can ever get a bf.
I wonder if there are people who like me, cause you never know, there might be someone that likes you, and you might also not know them. I hate telling people about stories from my perspective, but i also want to tell people about my stories. I want to find someone who would just sit with me and listen to me about the most random things without judging me one bit.
You know noticed that i act different when i see him, but should just be be my weird self cause normally even though i care what people think of me, i also dont give a shit.but i wonder if someone like him would ever like me. From my experience i think really chopped people like, and not only there looks, there personality also sucks.
I keep thinking of him as a star now. I love stars, but let’s be real, i think you can only admire stars from afar. I want someone i am comfortable around to do anything. I want a weird person. Who themselves are not afraid to be weird in front of others.
But who would actually like me? Who would want a lazy as like me? I see him as my first love i guess. Even though i don’t even know for sure if i like him or not. I probably do like him right? Because otherwise i don’t think i’ll feel like THAT everytime i see him.
I’ve said i stopped liking him so many time, or i thought, just because i’m not sure if i like him or not. I anted to start the year fresh. But i couldn’t. I’m so weird for liking him when he doesn't even know who i am. This is worse than knowing someone, and thinking you have a chance with him. Because i freaking don’t know him, and i’m just delusional to think in the future i would.
I guess next year will be my year, because i’m 99.999% sure i have no chance with him this year. I’ll just dua that next next year i can at least try to see if he would notice me. But first i need to find who i am. Cause who the frick am i? Like even if i text him and he askes who i am, what am i suppose to say. Like am i suppose to say i’m just a person like that’s such a weird first impression.
I think i have to learn how to talk to someone if i want him to know who i am, cause i don’t remember ever successfully starting a conversion or something first. I don’t think I've ever mad friends by my self either. I always need some i know with me, or some to talk to me first. I really don’t want to be lonely.
I’m starting to think i am the problem, cause i’ve just been saying that i think liking him is THE problem, but i am the problem. I remember the last time I remember seeing him too. Probably August or something. I also think i have had enough time to know if i like him or not but i don’t think i will fully know, unless i freaking talk to him. Ughhhh that is so difficult too, like am i supposed to say “oh yea, i see you like rashu ga, and i think you’re fine” like that’s so weird. I’M ACTUALLY SO FREAKING WEIRD.
How do i even learn how to start a conversation with someone? Like can’t people like talk to me first. Like I'm actually being so serious right now. I’m not even the type to judge. I literally don’t care if you start the conversation in the weirdest way.
Should i ask chat gpt how to talk to people or start a conversation? Also how the frick do I even start talking to him. I seriously have a problem. I’m starting to think i’m just 100% delusional. My life is the quietest mess I've ever seen. I don’t know what that means, but I think saying my life is the biggest mess would be too dramatic. But I am a dramatic person, sometimes.
I’m also the type of person who doesn’t know how to move on. Like why the frick do i not get bored of liking the same person for so long, well it hasn’t been that long actually. You know, sometimes I wish we went to the same school so it would be easier to talk to him. I don’t even know what school he is in.
You know I met this person in school. She is like one of mishal's friends. She knows how to collect information on people really well, you know like stalking. The way she does it is really cool,because she also remembers everything.well my hand hurts from writing so i think I might stop,for now…
(written on 11/1/2025, Friday, 6:49 pm)