shoomi.star.

Mushrooms Part 2

So I was going through pinterest and I saw so many things, but poems and quotes hits different. I really wish he knew who I was. I made up my mind to live the way I want to now. I might change my mind later.

I think i started liking him cause of his smile. I have a problem with that too. Probably cause i don’t really like my own smile. I wonder if i could ever stop being a hopeless romantic. Oh yeah i went to the beach with Thutha yesterday. It was really fun. We talked about how we should go on a double date to the beach with our future bfs, but i don’t think i can ever get a bf.

I wonder if there are people who like me, cause you never know, there might be someone that likes you, and you might also not know them. I hate telling people about stories from my perspective, but i also want to tell people about my stories. I want to find someone who would just sit with me and listen to me about the most random things without judging me one bit.

You know noticed that i act different when i see him, but should just be be my weird self cause normally even though i care what people think of me, i also dont give a shit.but i wonder if someone like him would ever like me. From my experience i think really chopped people like, and not only there looks, there personality also sucks.

I keep thinking of him as a star now. I love stars, but let’s be real, i think you can only admire stars from afar. I want someone i am comfortable around to do anything. I want a weird person. Who themselves are not afraid to be weird in front of others.

But who would actually like me? Who would want a lazy as like me? I see him as my first love i guess. Even though i don’t even know for sure if i like him or not. I probably do like him right? Because otherwise i don’t think i’ll feel like THAT everytime i see him.

I’ve said i stopped liking him so many time, or i thought, just because i’m not sure if i like him or not. I anted to start the year fresh. But i couldn’t. I’m so weird for liking him when he doesn't even know who i am. This is worse than knowing someone, and thinking you have a chance with him. Because i freaking don’t know him, and i’m just delusional to think in the future i would.

I guess next year will be my year, because i’m 99.999% sure i have no chance with him this year. I’ll just dua that next next year i can at least try to see if he would notice me. But first i need to find who i am. Cause who the frick am i? Like even if i text him and he askes who i am, what am i suppose to say. Like am i suppose to say i’m just a person like that’s such a weird first impression.

I think i have to learn how to talk to someone if i want him to know who i am, cause i don’t remember ever successfully starting a conversion or something first. I don’t think I've ever mad friends by my self either. I always need some i know with me, or some to talk to me first. I really don’t want to be lonely.

I’m starting to think i am the problem, cause i’ve just been saying that i think liking him is THE problem, but i am the problem. I remember the last time I remember seeing him too. Probably August or something. I also think i have had enough time to know if i like him or not but i don’t think i will fully know, unless i freaking talk to him. Ughhhh that is so difficult too, like am i supposed to say “oh yea, i see you like rashu ga, and i think you’re fine” like that’s so weird. I’M ACTUALLY SO FREAKING WEIRD.

How do i even learn how to start a conversation with someone? Like can’t people like talk to me first. Like I'm actually being so serious right now. I’m not even the type to judge. I literally don’t care if you start the conversation in the weirdest way.

Should i ask chat gpt how to talk to people or start a conversation? Also how the frick do I even start talking to him. I seriously have a problem. I’m starting to think i’m just 100% delusional. My life is the quietest mess I've ever seen. I don’t know what that means, but I think saying my life is the biggest mess would be too dramatic. But I am a dramatic person, sometimes.

I’m also the type of person who doesn’t know how to move on. Like why the frick do i not get bored of liking the same person for so long, well it hasn’t been that long actually. You know, sometimes I wish we went to the same school so it would be easier to talk to him. I don’t even know what school he is in.

You know I met this person in school. She is like one of mishal's friends. She knows how to collect information on people really well, you know like stalking. The way she does it is really cool,because she also remembers everything.well my hand hurts from writing so i think I might stop,for now…

(written on 11/1/2025, Friday, 6:49 pm)

Mushrooms part 1

Well happy new year, it's been a while hasn't it. I knew i wouldn’t write after i got wifi. I guess something has happened since the last time I wrote. But today I feel weirder than I usually do. It's not about wifi, school, or friends. It’s about mushrooms??

Well its a person lets say his name is shroom. As in mushrooms. I don't usually want to write about things like this. Oh yeah im in gaafaru, i went to my thutha today and she searched his ig on insta. And she found it. Instantly actually.

I dont trust a freaking laptop docs to keep something i cant even explain with my words. I started liking him like this in grade 7. I first saw him in grade 6. Not first but, as an actual memory. We were in the same class in preschool so I don't remember.

i ‘ve never talked to him and he doesn’t know I exist. I always said I didn't want to date him and I just liked him. But I don't know anymore. I know someone’s gonna read this but I don't really care. I made a promise to myself i’ll only start dating after I finish school. And I will keep that promise.

I want to be friends with him. At least I want him to know who I am. I can’t have this feeling in my stomach. I don't even understand it. I feel so weird. I don't know how i can tell anyone how i feel when dont even know how i freaking feeeeel. I have no chance being with him, so I at least want him to know I exist. How do I live like thissss?

Should I tell thutha abt it? I REALLY DON’T KNOW. I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight. I don’t know why I wanna cry. I have nobody to tell who will understand me. I want to tell zeeva. But i can’t, cause i can’t meet her.i want a phone. I want a bit of freedom.

WHAT SHOULD I DO? I don't know how to stop my feelings. I don't want these feelings. I hate myself. I will try to write again tomorrow. I think we share the same fav number. Maybe. In his ig there is “_11”. I don’t know. I think I'm just delusional. He probably wrote that, because he was born in 2011.

How do I even talk to him in the first place? I don’t know but at least I know his insta. I hope he doesn't get a different account. But even so. I don’t want to care. I don't want to like him. I thought it was just an excuse that i liked him cause i thought i didn’t like anyone. In two years if I don't like anyone. I will see if I would still like him.

I’m so weird for liking him when he doesn't even know freaking exist. How do you even start a conversation with a stranger you don’t even know? Someone help me. idk how some ppl talk to ppl they don’t know like it's simple. I know people think I'm funny for liking someone I barely know for that long. Nobody will know how I feel. You know the weirdest part, I don't even know if I actually like him. And i wont know unless i talk to him. But I don't want to talk to him either. I don't want him to know who I am yet either. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO FREAKING DO.

I won't try to talk to him until I'm in grade 10. But I can't wait either. My intrusive thoughts are telling me to freaking make a good insta account and talk to him. I'm too scared to even try searching for it. I don’t think I like mushrooms anymore. But the truth is I still do like mushrooms.

A while ago I did the mbti test thingy again, and I'm an infp. And it's all making sense now. I really am an infp. I used to not really believe it that much but I searched up infp. And everything I read described me more perfectly than I understood myself. Well I still don’t really understand myself that much. Probably because I'm only 14. Being a teenager is the best and worst feeling combined. Cause i literally started thinking about this while i was lying on top of a roof watching the stars. I love stars. But I can't have the stars either right?

I was also listening to music at the same time. I really want to do it again. It was another thing I really wanted to do on my mind bucket list. I should really write an actual bucket list. I want my own kdrama. Maybe this is how it starts but I don't think it will have a happy ending. Should I start google how to stop liking a person? I saw him in my dreams bro. I don’t think I can stop liking him in a while. Cause the last time i liked someone it lasted 3 years. But it was really young so i don’t want to count it.

I also know the perfect guy I want probably exists too. And shroom might not be the one. I think this really is a serious problem I have. I hate my shitty life so much. I really like his eyes. I think I need to do part two tomorrow because my charge is running out. I need a moment in my mind too. Even though that might not be a good idea. I want to keep writing too. You know a song that will always remind me of my thutha. Slow dancing in the dark by joji, because we were listening to it while watching the stars.

You know this is the longest thing I have written so far. I'm also surprised, because I will continue writing it tomorrow too. And with that it will of course be more than a 1000 words. WOW, more than a thousand words just to write about mushrooms. How do I stop myself? I want to have a sleepover with thutha, so I can try telling her I guess. Should I stop writing part one now? I really don’t know. I didn’t even realize that my paragraphs started becoming longer. Okay, I think I will go”try” to sleep…

(written on 9/1/2025 Friday, 10:49 pm)

Is weird for me to like the stars, when i can't have it? do i really have to keep admiring them from afar. why don't the stars notice me, when it's so clear in my eyes.

Is there a way for me to have the star? what if the star fell down to the earth, would it notice me then? but what if it's a shooting star, can i wish for it to notice me?

If i was a star would i be closer to the other star? What if the two stars never meet though...